On Gay Marriage

In light of my recent "parting" with the Catholic church, a good friend of mine sent me this article about a celibate gay catholic, intending to spark some debate about the church's stance on gay marriage. Just thought I'd share.

http://youngandcatholic.net/2011/07/catholic-and-gay/

[My Response]

Of course! Always glad to engage in some informed discourse on issues.

It seems this article has two aims; the first is to debunk the myth that all catholics and religious people are intolerant of gays, and the second is to provide a perspective on the catholic teachings through the eyes of a celibate gay catholic.

In response to the claim that catholics are accepting of gays as people, I would have to agree. From theology class as well as personal experience with catholics, I haven’t seen the same sort of intolerance that I have witnessed from other religious groups. The idea that you can “cure” gays and that it is a sin to BE gay isn’t something catholics agree with. For the most part, I have seen an acceptance and openness toward homosexuality as far as orientation goes.

When it comes to homosexual acts being a sin, that is where I differ in opinion. The doctrine that it boils down to is the idea that 1) marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman, and 2) sex is meant to be unitive, procreative, and within a marriage setting. Since gays can’t marry in the church and also can’t biologically have children, gay sex doesn’t fit into the picture. This logically makes sense to me. However, the root argument in these two main doctrines is found in “God’s teaching” in the Bible. It is a question of God’s design for humanity… and if you don’t consider the Bible to be uncontested truth, the argument has reached an impasse and both sides just have to agree to disagree.

One of the main reasons I disagree is that I don’t find gay sex to be a violation of design and human worth. In my opinion, the fact that gays have an attraction to the same sex is enough to show that they were designed to desire a different kind of expression of love than straight people. Not worse or perverted, just different. Catholics see this desire as a negative temptation, whereas I see it as an inherently different type of design in God’s plan that is equally valid and beautiful. To me, the fact that procreation is out of the picture doesn’t discount the mutual expression of love and union between two people. Relationships and commitment and family are so fulfilling to be a part of, and in my opinion, gender is completely irrelevant when it comes to all of it.

One of the comments in response to the article really aligns with my thoughts, especially in reference to the sand analogy:

LOVING someone nourishes the soul, regardless of gender. Sand perhaps could be a representation of sex outside of any loving, trusting relationship. But the argument is not for reckless sexual acts. We are asking for the ability to be accepted as two adults; joining as one family. That is not destructive.

Overall, I really do “get” the Catholic viewpoint on all of this; I can appreciate the author’s choice as a celibate gay because he DOES see truth in God’s teaching and in his mind, his love for God is stronger than his “temptation” to engage in sinful homosexual acts. I just don’t really see how homosexual acts are a violation of any inherent value we have as humans… I think it’s just as possible to be in a loving, committed, and fulfilling gay relationship/family as it is to be in a straight one.

            Thanks for the article—Just thought I’d give some feedback about the thoughts I had and where I stand

Courtney

A Lovely Sunday Morning

Remind me that I need to go on more bike rides. This morning I woke up fairly early and rode my bike around Tempe Town Lake, which was just beautiful for the whole ride. It will be nicer, too, when the road isn't blocked off and I get to ride straight to the bike path from Mill. The weather was amazing-- warm, clear skies, fresh. And I just really got a lot of satisfaction from the whole experience- being outdoors, getting exercise, and enjoying the morning by myself. If I wake up early enough, I could probably squeeze one of these rides in on a weekday morning. It only takes up about 2 hours, including shower time.

I ordered that book Brian was telling me about.... The Artist's Way. It seems like it's got some cool ideas in it. And from what I read, it's one of those things you can sort of dip your feet into if you want to, which is good. I look forward to reading it.

Last night, I went to the Concert Jazz Band concert, which I really enjoyed. I'm no expert on jazz, but I'm pretty sure they did a damn good job. I loved it. As a saxophone player, it made me really wish I knew how to play like that... I know it takes a lot of work, practice, and experience, but hopefully I'll get to be involved in jazz band next semester, if they have room for me.

Also, I've been toying around with some ideas about this summer and next year. Like, whether I should do the honors college, and where I should live, and should I get a job. All of this, of course, is strongly influenced by what my parents want, considering they are paying. I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to end up living at home this summer, which is really stupid. If that does happen, I at least want to get a job. I guess we'll see...

Well it's about that time.. Suit up for an afternoon in the practice room!

New Stuff!

On Monday, I got a bunch of music from Brian (mostly saxophone music) and I bought some speakers from Target. They are so awesome!!! Though I'm sure the two rooms next to me don't agree. Hahaa...

Midterms are over, so things are a little less stressful now. Though, in another week and a half I'm sure shit is going to hit the fan all over again. You would think that my stressful experience last week would convince me not to skip class or ignore my homework... NOPE! But I'm not just bumming around doing nothing; I'm practicing a bunch. Slash..... enjoying my new speakers. Obviously.

I think I should start reading again. I miss it-- maybe because none of my homework has WORDS! But there are a few books on my list that wouldn't be hard to fit in.

Oh I have a funny story... my brother sent me a picture of his homecoming costume, which is a kilt and sash, etc. I told him I would set it as my profile picture and he freaked out!! LOL. What a tool.

Alright. Class.

Phoenix Adventure

This morning was awesome. I woke up at about 8 after a long night's sleep and decided it would be fun to go on a bike ride. So, I biked to the light rail station and hopped on with my bike, a clif bar, and $20 in my pocket. I almost got off at Papago park, but I decided I would go somewhere new, so I stayed on until it reached downtown Phoenix.

I got off at 12th and Jefferson and rode my bike around the city... an awesome area that I'll definitely have to go back to. I was just circling the north part of downtown when I came across the farmer's market! There were all these tents with people selling jewelry and pickles and cheese. I got tons of free samples and bought the most amazing cheddar cheese wedge!! It cost $10, but it is honestly the best cheese I've ever tasted. With a few dollars left, I hopped on my bike and rode around with the goal of finding the nearest light rail station. The one I found was 24th and Jefferson, but by that point I had been riding my bike for about a mile and I was having a good time. I kept riding for actually another 5 miles or so, at which point I hopped on the light rail at the airport stop. I calculated how far I had biked, and I just thought it would be lame not to finish it out, so I got off at Papago park and biked the rest of the way back (after a Starbucks break, of course).

Needless to say, my $20 was completely spent, but I'm glad I had some cash. This morning was a ton of fun and I probably biked close to 10 miles total. I can't believe how accessible all these areas are thanks to the light rail and having a bike! Now, I'm off to spend the rest of the day practicing and studying.

Overwhelmed

So after a weekend of traveling, I sort of expected these last few days to be a bit stressful, but things have really been adding up, and it seems like I've bitten off more than I can chew.

In addition to some small annoying things that have happened, like getting my front bike wheel stolen... I've also got some major things that I'm worried about... mainly, class piano and quartet. My piano midterm is Monday, and the solo piece we have to play is just way beyond my level. It's going to take a miracle to even get through the piece with both hands together.... So, I just feel actively nervous about that. Also, in quartet this week, we realized that we hadn't looked at Backburner yet, which was the last piece on our MTNA rep list... too bad it's like maniac hard. And we have a month to learn it. Ooooops!

I've also found that for some reason, when you're generally stressed, little annoyances become much harder to deal with... like having to go to doctor's appointments and waiting half an hour for a prescription. And, I hate to say it, but having to spend time with family. Kristin couldn't have picked a busier weekend to come visit....

Needless to say, I am dealing with all of this stress horribly. I'm eating lots of cake, getting drunk on weeknights, and cleaning my room obsessively. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

Quote of the Day

So I've been thinking a lot recently about this one quote I found a couple of months ago, and I just came across the place where I wrote it down:

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, responded, "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

I really love this one. It's unsettling because it rings so true to so many of us and speaks of a much darker reality than people are willing to see. There's a danger much deeper than death here; it's the idea of a wasted life. And worse, a life wasted unknowingly. People often don't realize the bigger patterns in their life until it's too late. In the case this quote refers to, "work" becomes man's end, and the joy of experience is lost to planning, working, worrying, preparing. But this quote is not about seizing the day. The words that really stick out to me are "health" and "enjoy." The health being referenced here is not how we think of it in the west... I mean, even though work can make us physically sick, there's a broader implication of spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health. Are we paying attention to all aspects our ourselves and our well-being?

Another thing I love about this quote is that it doesn't assert that our responsibilities are unimportant; it simply laments that they have taken over many peoples' entire beings. Is it possible to achieve your professional goals and still be happy? Yes. But people often think that working and having money will directly lead to happiness. Truthfully, we must pay attention to our bodies and our relationships with others and the way we balance our lives. Otherwise, we will just be going through the motions instead of fully actualizing ourselves as humans.

There's so much more to this quote... But I thought I'd at least write down a few comments that came to mind. I should really do this quote thing more often... maybe I'll break out some Emerson or Thoreau; I've been in a sort of transcendent mood lately anyway.

The College Post

So now that I'm actually in college (haaa), I thought it would be nice to jot down a few notes in the book about my first few weeks.

In a nutshell, life is great. I mean, I get to make great music with great people in a great place. And study with McAllister! Ah, it's really everything I dreamed. The most exciting part is my studio... everyone around me can rip to shreds, and that really inspires me to practice a lot.

My back still hurts... but I think yoga might help. I don't know. I think it's getting better? It's hard to tell. Pain is pain, you know how it is.

Life goes on, and so far everything else is good. Overall, I'm happy. And I'm working toward goals. Let it be known that after my first month of living here in the great state of AZ, I consider coming to ASU to be one of  the best decisions I ever made. Huzzah

There has to be another solution...

The current state of my back is completely unsustainable. I could deal with having to use a back support when I sit and maintaining a strict exercise regimen and altering the way I bend and lift and twist. You know, I'm even able to accept the fact that I'll never run again, or probably play tennis, or golf, or really any sport.

But what I can't deal with is not being able to sit in a fucking chair and play a game of sequence without back pain. I have to adjust the types of clothes that I wear because certain belts and waistbands put stress on my back. I couldn't sleep in my brother's bed because his memory foam mattress was causing me too much pain. You get the picture.

I'm in a stupid amount of pain. I am 19 years old, and I want to go on road trips and dance and camp and jump around and sit and play board games and practice piano and punch people and go on roller coasters and be tickled and none of that is possible! I know I'm being dramatic, but I feel like my youth has been taken away from me and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I want my life back- this is horrible and unfair.

Self-Knowledge

Fyodor Tyutchev, a Russian poet, once said: “For society, as well as for an individual, self-knowledge is the first condition of any progress.”
I find that advice interesting coming from the society that preceded one of the most oppressive and deceitful regimes in all of history... But Russia, at the moment, is not part of my point. Today, this particular quotation strikes me because of its commentary on the individual… and, more selfishly, how it relates to me.
After 5 hours of watching the genius products of Joss Whedon and related actors, I started to think about my place in this world. I guess there’s something about seeing beautifully executed art and success achieved by sheer brilliance that makes you wonder whether you have anything to offer at all. But for me, it was less of a question of whether I had anything to offer and more wondering what exactly I’m going to end up doing with myself. When I look at the list of things that I get excited about and the things I involve myself in, it’s a pretty long and varied list. I’m a music performance major with an interest in history, a ruthless critic with an artist’s soul. A logical mind out to solve the mystery of the human condition. It all makes very little sense.
But I guess if it were clear, it wouldn’t be quite as beautiful. After all, what defines us as humans isn’t necessarily our profession.
So maybe… finding the right career isn’t even the point. Perhaps the “progress” that Tyutchev mentioned was referring to something more like spiritual growth, or personal enlightenment. (he was a romantic poet, after all.) And in turn, that growth will inform our life choices because everything will be rooted in a deeper, more existential sense of self.
In other words, not all of us are creators or performers or healers or activists. I think I’d consider myself a little more of a thinker. And that’s probably why I freak out when it comes to actually having to *do* something. For a living. But in a way, it also sort of narrows it down a bit.
Well this was a fun post. It will be interesting to read later. Time for lunch with Megan!

Break

The last two weeks have been a massive break from everything, partially planned and partially unplanned. Going to Minnesota for 5 days was my scheduled break-- spent some time on the lake, played backgammon, ate smores, and visited the Redwood County Fair. Small town life, as well as midwestern life, is certainly different from my current situation in a Texas metroplex. But overall, I had a great time and enjoyed my week with Sam and her family.

Unfortunately, I paid for all of that recreation and traveling with a week of back pain. When I got home, I felt miserable... I could barely sit down without pain, and getting through my daily exercises seemed near impossible. Even though it would mean putting my summer music goals on the back-burner, I knew my first priority was to get the inflammation calmed down. So, I spent a week lying down, watching movies, icing my back, and stretching in hopes that everything would calm down and I could resume physical therapy. Luckily, after a week of "rehab mode," I'm feeling better... But it's not a total victory yet. My healing happened at the expense of living a normal lifestyle. I haven't played saxophone in almost 2 weeks now, besides a short 30 minute session last Thursday. And I've accepted that a break, at least right now, may be the best thing for me. But, what happens when I get one of these inflammation spells at ASU? What if my back gets in the way of pursuing a degree in saxophone performance?

Only time will tell... I just wish there was some way I could control this. My PT said that even if I get my core strengthened enough to feel 90%, I'm still going to have these random flare-ups for no reason. I've accepted that I'm going to have to live a "modified" lifestyle, but I wish taking care of my back was as easy as losing weight, or being in shape. It sucks that there's only so much I can do.

On a more hopeful note, I know that this experience is teaching me a lot of life lessons that I need to learn. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder that some things in life are out of our control, and we just have to learn how to cope. I've been blessed in a lot of ways, so maybe this is one of my few crosses to bear.

Just your average 4th of July

This afternoon, while most families were outside eating barbecue on this nice patriotic holiday, my dad and I were at Medical City testing my resting metabolic rate. He had found this cool new doctor toy that uses your intake of oxygen to provide how many calories your body naturally burns in a resting state. According to the device, I can eat about 16 calories per pound and maintain my current weight. (yay!....)

While we were up there, he figured we might as well remove that pesky mole on my pelvis that he had noticed a few months ago. No big deal, just your normal everyday spontaneous operation... Who wants to deal with the hassle of filing insurance claims?

In other news, I finally got that gross chlorine green out of my hair. It took some serious shampooing and highlights to do the job, but at least people will stop asking if I dyed a strip of my hair green. I feel like eventually, I should just let my natural hair color grow out or dye it brown for good or something. Blonde is too high maintenance, and it's just one more thing that my mom is paying for in order to maintain control over me. I've realized that accepting money from her is a trap. No matter how nice she is when she offers it, she generally finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. And technically, that's totally valid, but it's also really obnoxious. That's why I need a job....

On Thursday, I head to Minnesota to hang out with Sam for a few days, and that will be really fun. She lives in this small town with waterfalls, and nature!! What a nice change from the big city. I haven't decided if I'm going to take my saxophone yet, though. I've been lazy about practicing recently.

But maybe that's because I've been so distracted running my household and having whimsical surgeries. Ours is truly a strange family....

Keep Austin Weird

This weekend was insane, in more ways than one. Austin has tons of things to do, and it has such an earthy local feel. I love it. We did end up going to that psychic fair, and I had my chakras opened. (That was an experience!) I also went to a gift shop and got souvenirs from my own state... that felt a little strange. I found earrings in the shape of Texas, and I would have bought them had they not been red, white, and blue. But it made me wonder if it was possible to find earrings in the shape of other states, like Louisiana or Idaho... somehow I doubt it. I think Texas is the only state that is weirdly proud of their awesome shape. Kind of a bummer, because I was looking for a necklace to express my Wyoming pride. ....

Anyway, I took a break from writing this blog post to go on a major facebook friend purge. I deleted well over half of my friends, and I have under 200 right now, made up of people that I would actually consider myself close to. It felt really good to look at my friends list and just delete everyone who I am legitimately not friends with... there were a few whose names I didn't even recognize... I mean, I don't think I could ever completely delete my facebook. As much as I hate it sometimes, it is an incredibly powerful tool that allows me to keep in touch with people I care about. But if I'm "friends" with a bunch of people I don't care about, all facebook becomes is a license to stalk, judge, and gossip with absolutely no consequences. Kind of scary. And while I know that much of my stalking is innocent and positive, a big part of me wonders whether it's any of my business that a random acquaintance from high school dumped her boyfriend or transferred to a different school. Facebook allows that kind of stuff to spread really fast, but it's sort of creepy how much people can know about you without ever actually talking to you. I mean, remember when people had to actually call you (or talk to you IN PERSON) to know your business? Facebook is taking over the world!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I've got to practice. But seriously, if anyone reading this finds a pair of Ohio earrings, I will give you $20.

To Austin

At noon today, I set out for a mystery adventure in Austin with my aunts. While I have a vague idea of what we might do, our actual plans are still unknown. However, it is highly likely that we will at some point encounter a psychic and eat various flavors of cupcakes. More to come...

Before I depart, I have scheduled to go to Brookhaven and actually practice the Lacour on bari sax. I have found that while playing the bari part on alto allows me to be relatively confident with the fingerings, there is nothing else that is remotely similar about playing the two horns. Last rehearsal, I practiced the 3rd movement on alto and was able to play it well past half speed, which was the goal... but as soon as I tried it on bari, everything sort of went to crap. As a rule, I typically don't like to practice a piece on any other horn than the one I am using in rehearsal/performance, but I'm not allowed to take the bari home. So today, I break out of my cycle of laziness to actually go learn my part on bari, like I am supposed to. However, as one of my studio mates pointed out once, the lower the saxophone, the more excruciating the practice session. So we'll see how that goes.

The last few days have been otherwise pretty uneventful... I skyped with Megan, skipped Richardson Community Band to have an existential debate about the existence of God with Laura, and watched a few stupid humor movies. My favorite by far was "You're Welcome, America," which is actually not a movie, but a comedy show written and performed by Will Ferrell on the subject of Bush's presidency. It's a little vulgar, but it was one of the funniest and most genius Will Ferrell performances I have ever seen. To the politically aware and comedically inclined, I highly recommend it.

I've got to finish packing and head off to practice. Then off to Austin for some family mischief...

Dad's Day

Today was fun- played some golf, sequence, and risk, followed by watching Resident Evil 3. I cantored at Mass today too, and I just got so into it... We sang a sort of swingy-laid back version of How Great Thou Art, and it sounded awesome! Man, it is so fun to jam with those guys.

Also, I actually got a lot of practice in this weekend. Friday was my first official lesson of the summer, and I felt, for the first time in a long while, a really strong desire to improve. I don't know what it is about Roy in particular, but every time I go in for a lesson with him, I leave wanting to practice right away. It's definitely something about his personality that challenges and dares me to impress him, and I've realized that I, as a student, respond really well to that teaching style. I sort of worried, throughout the year, that maybe I was having motivation problems because I just wasn't passionate enough about saxophone. I spent the whole year dragging my feet to the practice room, struggling constantly to stay motivated... And now, it's just so affirming to be inspired again!

Looking back, I can't even believe the path I've gone through as a musician. It has taken me years to realize how to listen to myself and how to think about music. I find that my whole frame of mind with regard to performing has changed dramatically. With all of that growth and now, a new teacher that really fits my needs as a student... I am set up for success.

God has really blessed me. All this thinking just makes me so grateful for the meaningful experiences I've had with music, and I don't mind attributing them to God. I've got a number of emotional and intellectual inhibitors to my faith, but music is the one way He can get through to me every time.

Productivity

Right now it's 5:20pm, and I haven't done any practicing today, nor have I begun working on the medical payments my mom wants me to take care of. I have spent the majority of my day napping, eating, reading, and wasting time--all things that I thoroughly enjoy.

But amidst this enjoyment is a muffled sense of guilt... I hear that voice inside my head (my voice, of course) reminding me that I should be practicing, or earning money, or selling stuff. I had such high ambitions for this summer! And here it's already mid-June and I haven't accomplished anything on the saxophone... except for some sparse work on a few etudes and a review of scale patterns.

Once I start lessons this summer, I anticipate my lazy days coming to an end. Roy always has a way of bringing me back down to earth, whether I like it or not.

At any rate, I tell myself that my lowered ability to function is due partially to the problems I've been having with my back. Things were going fine most of the school year because I was biking and being active, but when I came home, I did a bunch of nothing and then a bunch of traveling, which hurt it a lot. Right now, I'm taking a bunch of Aleve and doing physical therapy, but I still can't sit down for more than half an hour without a lot of pain. Tomorrow, I start having actual physical therapy sessions with Alan, and I'm hoping that he'll get me feeling a lot better. I don't remember what it feels like to not have back pain, and my fear is that it will never really go away. In some ways, I've learned to deal with it, but every once in a while, I get really frustrated and scared, because I know I'm going to have to battle this my whole life.

On a more positive note, Kevin got his license and drove to summer school by himself today!! Kids grow up so fast... :) Also, I got an email today saying the Baylor Wind Ensemble was selected to play at 2012 TMEA! I am so happy for them/us... Man, what a stellar group. I'm listening to our Scenes from the Louvre recording and it's so good! I miss college band!

On Ayn Rand

I was on Goodreads today, reading some lit reviews of books I've read, and I came across this comment about The Fountainhead:

"Rand was a brilliant writer. I love her usage of metaphors in The Fountainhead. She was also a mere reactionary product of Soviet subjugation and was rather romantic about her reactionary theories. Taken as a novel that offers a few lessons on the pursuit of the ultimate answers, it is brilliant. Taken as a Philosophy of life, governance, and coexistence it is naive, dangerous, and just plain silly." -[goodreads user]

After reading this comment, I immediately agreed, yet I could not help but feel slightly embarrassed. When I read The Fountainhead almost a year ago, I considered it an epic anthem for individualism. I thought Ayn Rand was some brilliant modern philosopher.... and she is brilliant! But like every artist, she was a product of her experiences. She grew up in revolutionary Russia, and her family experienced the horrors of collectivization. Her entire early life was a big punch in the face by communist Russia. Could that have possibly shaped her radical ideology?

I couldn't believe that I had never thought to read about her life... I mean, it only makes sense that her experiences somehow shaped her philosophy. And that is not to say that her work is any less valid or brilliant; it just goes to show that nothing is ever created in a vacuum. It's easy to get caught up in the wonder of well-written books that are hyped up as "classic literature," but the truth is that every one of them was written by an imperfect human, who sees the world through their own eyes, as they live it. Ayn Rand definitely articulated some human truths, but she is just one author in a vast world of other authors and people, all with their own stories to tell. In my opinion, taking any single book as a philosophy of life is foolish and dangerous. But taking it as one individual's perspective of the human experience may shed light on one aspect of our own world, which leads us on the path toward wisdom.

On Summer Reading

Since I've last posted, I have finished two books and started another. I planned to blog about each of them, but somehow I never got around to opening my laptop.

Malcolm X's autobiography, as told to Alex Haley, was intense-- important, I could tell, though a bit long. I feel that a book that long should have offered more insight into Malcolm X's life, especially since it was actually written by another person. But it was mostly a dry account of events and reactions, which left me much less satisfied than I thought it would. Also, even though he eventually changes his views, I found it almost irritating to read about his devotion to black separatism and the stagnancy of society knowing that society has actually changed a lot... I mean, he rambles on for 100 pages about how the white man is NEVER going to respect black people, and today our country has a black president...

Times have changed. Nevertheless, it was an interesting read.

Next was The Body Project, which admittedly, I just sort of picked up off a Barnes and Noble book shelf and read on a whim. It was interesting, for what it was--a comparison of values and expectations associated with the female body, from 1830s - present. I never knew that pimples used to be a symbol of sexual deviancy or that menstruation used to be blamed for women's supposed incapability of higher education. Some interesting research, but I do wish that the author had taken into account more political and economic changes that impacted her observations... She never even mentions the 19th amendment or Roe v. Wade or the invention of birth control! There is bound to be a better book out there on the subject.

Finally, I am currently reading Wuthering Heights, and I'm about halfway through. Though I want to reserve final judgment until I have finished the book, I don't think it will hold a candle to Jane Eyre.  The characters are just not very likeable, and the plot seems like nothing more than a cheap romance novel.

Thus concludes my lit review blog. I will try and remember to keep my netbook handy when I finish my next few books.

Late night thoughts

So I was thinking tonight about a lot of things and this big thought came to me.

It started with the end of the movie Iron Man... You know, the dynamic delivery of the line "I am Iron Man" and the shot of the crowd's reaction an the cue music...Epic! I felt so intrigued and excited, all because of that one moment sculpted by writers, actors, film editors, etc. The effect that the whole movie had was palpable. Yes, it raised ideas. But on an emotional level, it left me feeling intensely energized and riveted.

And this got me thinking... Isn't that exactly what music aims to do? Make people feel a certain way? As musicians, we bend over backwards trying to portray a certain feeling through sound. Performers, conductors, composers, all go through years of training to learn how to make moments like that, only through another medium.

And what's the point? Obviously this is relevant in light of recent budget cuts in art and education... Is there a deeper meaning behind this "feeling," or is it just a rush sensation that soon fades? Megan raised an interesting discussion the other day about whether art and arts education really advances society... But you know what I think? It's not about the advancement of society. In my opinion, it's about slowing us down, and reminding us about human truths. This "feeling" we get when we are really impacted by artistic greatness reminds us that truth lies in knowing ourselves as human beings. And indescribable as we are, the very intangible nature of art makes it uniquely capable of revealing our very core.

Tornado!

What better time to update my blog than during a tornado warning while hiding in the laundry room?

I have to admit, when the hail started pounding on the roof above my secret room, I was a little spooked. But it looks like we're going to be ok.. aside from perhaps some hail damage.

This was one of the few things that has been able to rip me away from my gameboy for the past few days. Since Sunday, I have been doing nothing but playing pokemon crystal and, I guess, helping Kevin with finals. I have logged 28 hours in the last 3 days and I won't stop until I BEAT IT

No regrets. Almost there.

On Being Home

What a strange thing it is to be in Dallas again. And to see my high school friends and watch how much we have all changed. I went to Ursuline the other day, and I enjoyed seeing some people, but after I left, I just had the biggest headache. Small talk is exhausting.

Things have been alright, albeit a bit busy. I've painted a room, scheduled a party, revisited with old friends. I know I have been working hard with this painting thing, but I have been feeling really stressed out since I got home. I thought it was going to be really relaxing and refreshing, like it always was when I came and visited home. But living here is a different story. It is going to be quite a long summer.

On Final Exams

What a crazy day.

I was really worried about my final for Russian history this morning because I still have a chance to make an A. And yesterday, amidst trying to cram, a bunch of drama happened and I made a series of bad decisions, including staying up until 1:30 watching 17 Again, which I found in my car while packing (also a waste of time). But luckily, everything turned out super well.

I got my final paper back after the exam and scored a 90! That was way better than I expected and will definitely help me get closer to an A. I also just... dominated the test. I may have made a B because of the multiple choice, but I thought my essay was really good. Not only did I have a really organized and well-thought out response about the inevitability of soviet collapse, I also just had loads of fun writing it. I talked about the Soviet Union's reliance upon repression and censorship throughout the post-Stalinist eras, and the way that Gorbachev's social and economic reforms unraveled the tenuous power structure of the regime.

I've decided that even if I make a B in this class, I don't regret taking it at all. I have learned so much and I've had a lot of fun reading about the Soviet Union... it's fascinating! I got a book in my Easter basket about the Cold War and it's next on my reading list after I finish Malcolm X's autobiography.

Man, I can't believe that Russian History is over!! But like the end to all great feats, my feelings are a mixture of nostalgia, pride, and relief. Now, finally, I can relax and prepare my mind for summer!

On Perfect Pitch

I am determined to learn perfect pitch. I have heard that it is possible to learn it, and I have a pretty good ear already. I have pretty good relative pitch, and usually, when I'm trying to sing a certain note, I can get within a whole step of the pitch that I am aiming for. I just want to be able to pull out any note and say what it is, or be able to tell what key something is in without referencing an instrument.

I did some research today on methods that will help you obtain perfect pitch, and I found some courses you can buy that will train your ear to recognize and memorize how different tones sound. I found one that didn't seem like a scam, but even that one got some negative reviews, and it's so expensive... Plus, the idea behind it seems like something I could just do on my own. I've started working on it today and I already think I am improving.

The concept behind David Burge's Perfect Pitch method (the one I was looking at) is that every note has a separate quality and color. You just have to learn how to listen and hear notes in a different way. It suggested playing and singing and meditating on how certain notes sound on your primary instrument. In the practice room today, I focused on concert A. I played it over and over and listened for the quality of the note and compared it to other notes. Then, a couple of times, after playing something in another key, I tried to quiz myself as to where the pitch was. I wouldn't always get it right, but I feel like I really discovered some certain qualities about the particular note concert A that are not like other notes... to me it sounds really bright and kind of expectant, like unresolved. Db sounds warm and dark. Throughout the day, I have been testing myself with a pitch pipe handy and I've been getting more correct than I had been in the past! If I keep practicing every day, I think I can develop perfect pitch by the end of the summer for sure.

On Random Facts

So the other day Andrew told me that blue eyed people have more sensitivity to light. I didn't believe him, so I looked it up. And lo and behold, it's true! There are studies out there proving that light-colored irises spread light to other parts of the eye instead of absorbing light like dark eyes. Also, believe it or not, reindeer actually change their eye color to adapt to sunlight for different seasons.
 http://news.softpedia.com/news/Blue-Eyes-for-the-Winter-Light-Brown-for-the-Summer-49528.shtml
Interesting stuff. Clearly, I am doing everything on my computer except for studying.

On Summer Goals

Today I played my saxophone jury. It was a good performance overall, and I am relieved to have it over with. I am excited to work on new rep over the summer, although I haven't decided exactly what I'm playing yet. I'm leaning toward Brilliance by Ida Gotkovsky and maybe Sarabande and Gigue, just because I've already bought them. What I have decided is that I am going to learn ALL of the Ferling etudes over the summer!
Ok, so maybe not all of them. But close. I've assigned myself 2-3 etudes per week, and by August, I will have learned all but 6 of the 48 Ferlings. How exciting, right? I've already started working on 2, 6, and 11 this week!!
I realized today just how much I have improved since last year. I mean, I know it's obvious that I would get better, but I am noticing tangible stuff... my tonguing is up to about 120, my tone is warmer, my control of the low register/tuning on most notes is good, or at least getting there... and most of all, my technique and sight-reading has skyrocketed. I feel like learning music is just getting easier and easier. After trudging through the Bozza etudes and Muczynski and Dionysiaques and just listening to the other players in my studio, I have become a much better musician overall. I can just tell.
I feel very ready to join McAllister's studio next year. Not just in terms of performance ability, but also in terms of perspective. I am starting to get a totally different attitude about playing saxophone now that I've gone through a year of college.

I know that a lot of this probably sounds like bragging, but that's not what I'm getting at with this post. I just feel that I have grown so much this year, and I've learned a lot about the mindset/attitude it takes to be a great musician. I am nowhere near greatness yet, but I can see it around me and I feel pulled towards it. Every day gets me one step closer.

On Technology and Society

Someone in the horn studio made a comment the other day at the couches that our society is quickly becoming poisoned by technology. People are always on computers, facebook, twitter... texting their friends their every thought.
Sometimes I think I should just disconnect everything. Turn off my phone, delete my facebook, stop checking email, unplug the phones. I could spend my time reading or connecting face-to-face with friends. I would have so much more time to think and reflect on things without information and communication coming at me at lightning speed. Kristin told me that her boyfriend got rid of his computer and spends so much more time reading now that he doesn't have that distraction.
Everyone moves so fast and it's so easy to get caught up in this digital world. Texting is beginning to replace real conversation, and relationships can get impersonal so fast. I don't want to even start with the evils of facebook, the way it creates a false sense of connection on such a public interface.
But every time I think about taking a break from technology, I think of some critical reason why I need it; emails make communication easier, texting allows friends to connect at a moment's notice. With all of the dangers technology poses for society, its elimination would be catastrophic.
I guess the challenge is finding out how to use its power for good and not let it take over your whole life... Easier said than done.

On Last Days of Class

Today is my final day of classes at Baylor. I can't believe it has been a year already; in only 13 days I will be heading back home to Dallas never to return to Waco again!
To various people, I have expressed that my sentiments leaving Baylor are completely ecstatic... "Can't wait to be done with this place!" But realistically, my feelings are much more complex.
While I know that leaving is the right choice, I will sincerely miss some of the students, particularly the musicians that have inspired me and those who have reached out to me throughout the year. While I hate to admit it sometimes, Baylor truly is a beautiful place deep down, full of people who are truly good at heart. Yes, some students are irritating, and others lack ambition. Yet, I can't help but think that there is a spirit of community here unlike any other. For better or for worse, that is one thing that I will undoubtedly not have next year at Arizona State.
And as much as students have touched me, the professors here have had an even greater impact. Beyond the inspiring professors I have had for my music classes, I was blessed to be enrolled in two amazing and rewarding history courses, both with passionate teachers. I have grown so much through my experiences during this first year of college, despite my hardships. I can only hope that the next three years in a new environment will be just as rewarding!
Lastly, and most inevitably, I am excited for summer. The bright summer sun and its welcoming embrace remind me every day that June days of reading and relaxation are ahead! I just have to focus on maintaining momentum for this last week of finals so I don't repeat my mistakes of last year.
Time to prepare for the day. Summer vacation beckons!

First post

Hi. I am starting a blog. It is not my first blog; I have had a xanga for the past 7 years or so, but there were many issues with that site. For one, I didn't know how to change the background. But more importantly, I am embarrassed to have written 90% of the words in that blog.

If I wanted my current reflections to be in any way public, I felt that I had to begin anew, and blogger seemed like a good choice.

Why am I starting a blog? To post reflections, opinions, major life happenings, etc. Do I want anyone to read it? Maybe. But it is mostly for me. I think you can discover a lot about yourself and about life by rambling about different ideas, and it is always interesting to look back and read how you felt and saw the world at certain points in your life.


Are blogs self-indulgent? Maybe. But I will try to make this one insightful instead of using it as an extended facebook status update. Posts to look forward to: social commentary, literary reviews, and life reflections.

Enjoy.