Self-Knowledge

Fyodor Tyutchev, a Russian poet, once said: “For society, as well as for an individual, self-knowledge is the first condition of any progress.”
I find that advice interesting coming from the society that preceded one of the most oppressive and deceitful regimes in all of history... But Russia, at the moment, is not part of my point. Today, this particular quotation strikes me because of its commentary on the individual… and, more selfishly, how it relates to me.
After 5 hours of watching the genius products of Joss Whedon and related actors, I started to think about my place in this world. I guess there’s something about seeing beautifully executed art and success achieved by sheer brilliance that makes you wonder whether you have anything to offer at all. But for me, it was less of a question of whether I had anything to offer and more wondering what exactly I’m going to end up doing with myself. When I look at the list of things that I get excited about and the things I involve myself in, it’s a pretty long and varied list. I’m a music performance major with an interest in history, a ruthless critic with an artist’s soul. A logical mind out to solve the mystery of the human condition. It all makes very little sense.
But I guess if it were clear, it wouldn’t be quite as beautiful. After all, what defines us as humans isn’t necessarily our profession.
So maybe… finding the right career isn’t even the point. Perhaps the “progress” that Tyutchev mentioned was referring to something more like spiritual growth, or personal enlightenment. (he was a romantic poet, after all.) And in turn, that growth will inform our life choices because everything will be rooted in a deeper, more existential sense of self.
In other words, not all of us are creators or performers or healers or activists. I think I’d consider myself a little more of a thinker. And that’s probably why I freak out when it comes to actually having to *do* something. For a living. But in a way, it also sort of narrows it down a bit.
Well this was a fun post. It will be interesting to read later. Time for lunch with Megan!

Break

The last two weeks have been a massive break from everything, partially planned and partially unplanned. Going to Minnesota for 5 days was my scheduled break-- spent some time on the lake, played backgammon, ate smores, and visited the Redwood County Fair. Small town life, as well as midwestern life, is certainly different from my current situation in a Texas metroplex. But overall, I had a great time and enjoyed my week with Sam and her family.

Unfortunately, I paid for all of that recreation and traveling with a week of back pain. When I got home, I felt miserable... I could barely sit down without pain, and getting through my daily exercises seemed near impossible. Even though it would mean putting my summer music goals on the back-burner, I knew my first priority was to get the inflammation calmed down. So, I spent a week lying down, watching movies, icing my back, and stretching in hopes that everything would calm down and I could resume physical therapy. Luckily, after a week of "rehab mode," I'm feeling better... But it's not a total victory yet. My healing happened at the expense of living a normal lifestyle. I haven't played saxophone in almost 2 weeks now, besides a short 30 minute session last Thursday. And I've accepted that a break, at least right now, may be the best thing for me. But, what happens when I get one of these inflammation spells at ASU? What if my back gets in the way of pursuing a degree in saxophone performance?

Only time will tell... I just wish there was some way I could control this. My PT said that even if I get my core strengthened enough to feel 90%, I'm still going to have these random flare-ups for no reason. I've accepted that I'm going to have to live a "modified" lifestyle, but I wish taking care of my back was as easy as losing weight, or being in shape. It sucks that there's only so much I can do.

On a more hopeful note, I know that this experience is teaching me a lot of life lessons that I need to learn. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder that some things in life are out of our control, and we just have to learn how to cope. I've been blessed in a lot of ways, so maybe this is one of my few crosses to bear.

Just your average 4th of July

This afternoon, while most families were outside eating barbecue on this nice patriotic holiday, my dad and I were at Medical City testing my resting metabolic rate. He had found this cool new doctor toy that uses your intake of oxygen to provide how many calories your body naturally burns in a resting state. According to the device, I can eat about 16 calories per pound and maintain my current weight. (yay!....)

While we were up there, he figured we might as well remove that pesky mole on my pelvis that he had noticed a few months ago. No big deal, just your normal everyday spontaneous operation... Who wants to deal with the hassle of filing insurance claims?

In other news, I finally got that gross chlorine green out of my hair. It took some serious shampooing and highlights to do the job, but at least people will stop asking if I dyed a strip of my hair green. I feel like eventually, I should just let my natural hair color grow out or dye it brown for good or something. Blonde is too high maintenance, and it's just one more thing that my mom is paying for in order to maintain control over me. I've realized that accepting money from her is a trap. No matter how nice she is when she offers it, she generally finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. And technically, that's totally valid, but it's also really obnoxious. That's why I need a job....

On Thursday, I head to Minnesota to hang out with Sam for a few days, and that will be really fun. She lives in this small town with waterfalls, and nature!! What a nice change from the big city. I haven't decided if I'm going to take my saxophone yet, though. I've been lazy about practicing recently.

But maybe that's because I've been so distracted running my household and having whimsical surgeries. Ours is truly a strange family....