Thursday, July 28, 2011
Self-Knowledge
Fyodor Tyutchev, a Russian poet, once said: “For society, as well as for an individual, self-knowledge is the first condition of any progress.”
I find that advice interesting coming from the society that preceded one of the most oppressive and deceitful regimes in all of history... But Russia, at the moment, is not part of my point. Today, this particular quotation strikes me because of its commentary on the individual… and, more selfishly, how it relates to me.
After 5 hours of watching the genius products of Joss Whedon and related actors, I started to think about my place in this world. I guess there’s something about seeing beautifully executed art and success achieved by sheer brilliance that makes you wonder whether you have anything to offer at all. But for me, it was less of a question of whether I had anything to offer and more wondering what exactly I’m going to end up doing with myself. When I look at the list of things that I get excited about and the things I involve myself in, it’s a pretty long and varied list. I’m a music performance major with an interest in history, a ruthless critic with an artist’s soul. A logical mind out to solve the mystery of the human condition. It all makes very little sense.
But I guess if it were clear, it wouldn’t be quite as beautiful. After all, what defines us as humans isn’t necessarily our profession.
So maybe… finding the right career isn’t even the point. Perhaps the “progress” that Tyutchev mentioned was referring to something more like spiritual growth, or personal enlightenment. (he was a romantic poet, after all.) And in turn, that growth will inform our life choices because everything will be rooted in a deeper, more existential sense of self.
In other words, not all of us are creators or performers or healers or activists. I think I’d consider myself a little more of a thinker. And that’s probably why I freak out when it comes to actually having to *do* something. For a living. But in a way, it also sort of narrows it down a bit.
Well this was a fun post. It will be interesting to read later. Time for lunch with Megan!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Break
The last two weeks have been a massive break from everything, partially planned and partially unplanned. Going to Minnesota for 5 days was my scheduled break-- spent some time on the lake, played backgammon, ate smores, and visited the Redwood County Fair. Small town life, as well as midwestern life, is certainly different from my current situation in a Texas metroplex. But overall, I had a great time and enjoyed my week with Sam and her family.
Unfortunately, I paid for all of that recreation and traveling with a week of back pain. When I got home, I felt miserable... I could barely sit down without pain, and getting through my daily exercises seemed near impossible. Even though it would mean putting my summer music goals on the back-burner, I knew my first priority was to get the inflammation calmed down. So, I spent a week lying down, watching movies, icing my back, and stretching in hopes that everything would calm down and I could resume physical therapy. Luckily, after a week of "rehab mode," I'm feeling better... But it's not a total victory yet. My healing happened at the expense of living a normal lifestyle. I haven't played saxophone in almost 2 weeks now, besides a short 30 minute session last Thursday. And I've accepted that a break, at least right now, may be the best thing for me. But, what happens when I get one of these inflammation spells at ASU? What if my back gets in the way of pursuing a degree in saxophone performance?
Only time will tell... I just wish there was some way I could control this. My PT said that even if I get my core strengthened enough to feel 90%, I'm still going to have these random flare-ups for no reason. I've accepted that I'm going to have to live a "modified" lifestyle, but I wish taking care of my back was as easy as losing weight, or being in shape. It sucks that there's only so much I can do.
On a more hopeful note, I know that this experience is teaching me a lot of life lessons that I need to learn. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder that some things in life are out of our control, and we just have to learn how to cope. I've been blessed in a lot of ways, so maybe this is one of my few crosses to bear.
Unfortunately, I paid for all of that recreation and traveling with a week of back pain. When I got home, I felt miserable... I could barely sit down without pain, and getting through my daily exercises seemed near impossible. Even though it would mean putting my summer music goals on the back-burner, I knew my first priority was to get the inflammation calmed down. So, I spent a week lying down, watching movies, icing my back, and stretching in hopes that everything would calm down and I could resume physical therapy. Luckily, after a week of "rehab mode," I'm feeling better... But it's not a total victory yet. My healing happened at the expense of living a normal lifestyle. I haven't played saxophone in almost 2 weeks now, besides a short 30 minute session last Thursday. And I've accepted that a break, at least right now, may be the best thing for me. But, what happens when I get one of these inflammation spells at ASU? What if my back gets in the way of pursuing a degree in saxophone performance?
Only time will tell... I just wish there was some way I could control this. My PT said that even if I get my core strengthened enough to feel 90%, I'm still going to have these random flare-ups for no reason. I've accepted that I'm going to have to live a "modified" lifestyle, but I wish taking care of my back was as easy as losing weight, or being in shape. It sucks that there's only so much I can do.
On a more hopeful note, I know that this experience is teaching me a lot of life lessons that I need to learn. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder that some things in life are out of our control, and we just have to learn how to cope. I've been blessed in a lot of ways, so maybe this is one of my few crosses to bear.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Just your average 4th of July
This afternoon, while most families were outside eating barbecue on this nice patriotic holiday, my dad and I were at Medical City testing my resting metabolic rate. He had found this cool new doctor toy that uses your intake of oxygen to provide how many calories your body naturally burns in a resting state. According to the device, I can eat about 16 calories per pound and maintain my current weight. (yay!....)
While we were up there, he figured we might as well remove that pesky mole on my pelvis that he had noticed a few months ago. No big deal, just your normal everyday spontaneous operation... Who wants to deal with the hassle of filing insurance claims?
In other news, I finally got that gross chlorine green out of my hair. It took some serious shampooing and highlights to do the job, but at least people will stop asking if I dyed a strip of my hair green. I feel like eventually, I should just let my natural hair color grow out or dye it brown for good or something. Blonde is too high maintenance, and it's just one more thing that my mom is paying for in order to maintain control over me. I've realized that accepting money from her is a trap. No matter how nice she is when she offers it, she generally finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. And technically, that's totally valid, but it's also really obnoxious. That's why I need a job....
On Thursday, I head to Minnesota to hang out with Sam for a few days, and that will be really fun. She lives in this small town with waterfalls, and nature!! What a nice change from the big city. I haven't decided if I'm going to take my saxophone yet, though. I've been lazy about practicing recently.
But maybe that's because I've been so distracted running my household and having whimsical surgeries. Ours is truly a strange family....
While we were up there, he figured we might as well remove that pesky mole on my pelvis that he had noticed a few months ago. No big deal, just your normal everyday spontaneous operation... Who wants to deal with the hassle of filing insurance claims?
In other news, I finally got that gross chlorine green out of my hair. It took some serious shampooing and highlights to do the job, but at least people will stop asking if I dyed a strip of my hair green. I feel like eventually, I should just let my natural hair color grow out or dye it brown for good or something. Blonde is too high maintenance, and it's just one more thing that my mom is paying for in order to maintain control over me. I've realized that accepting money from her is a trap. No matter how nice she is when she offers it, she generally finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. And technically, that's totally valid, but it's also really obnoxious. That's why I need a job....
On Thursday, I head to Minnesota to hang out with Sam for a few days, and that will be really fun. She lives in this small town with waterfalls, and nature!! What a nice change from the big city. I haven't decided if I'm going to take my saxophone yet, though. I've been lazy about practicing recently.
But maybe that's because I've been so distracted running my household and having whimsical surgeries. Ours is truly a strange family....
Monday, June 27, 2011
Keep Austin Weird
This weekend was insane, in more ways than one. Austin has tons of things to do, and it has such an earthy local feel. I love it. We did end up going to that psychic fair, and I had my chakras opened. (That was an experience!) I also went to a gift shop and got souvenirs from my own state... that felt a little strange. I found earrings in the shape of Texas, and I would have bought them had they not been red, white, and blue. But it made me wonder if it was possible to find earrings in the shape of other states, like Louisiana or Idaho... somehow I doubt it. I think Texas is the only state that is weirdly proud of their awesome shape. Kind of a bummer, because I was looking for a necklace to express my Wyoming pride. ....
Anyway, I took a break from writing this blog post to go on a major facebook friend purge. I deleted well over half of my friends, and I have under 200 right now, made up of people that I would actually consider myself close to. It felt really good to look at my friends list and just delete everyone who I am legitimately not friends with... there were a few whose names I didn't even recognize... I mean, I don't think I could ever completely delete my facebook. As much as I hate it sometimes, it is an incredibly powerful tool that allows me to keep in touch with people I care about. But if I'm "friends" with a bunch of people I don't care about, all facebook becomes is a license to stalk, judge, and gossip with absolutely no consequences. Kind of scary. And while I know that much of my stalking is innocent and positive, a big part of me wonders whether it's any of my business that a random acquaintance from high school dumped her boyfriend or transferred to a different school. Facebook allows that kind of stuff to spread really fast, but it's sort of creepy how much people can know about you without ever actually talking to you. I mean, remember when people had to actually call you (or talk to you IN PERSON) to know your business? Facebook is taking over the world!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I've got to practice. But seriously, if anyone reading this finds a pair of Ohio earrings, I will give you $20.
Anyway, I took a break from writing this blog post to go on a major facebook friend purge. I deleted well over half of my friends, and I have under 200 right now, made up of people that I would actually consider myself close to. It felt really good to look at my friends list and just delete everyone who I am legitimately not friends with... there were a few whose names I didn't even recognize... I mean, I don't think I could ever completely delete my facebook. As much as I hate it sometimes, it is an incredibly powerful tool that allows me to keep in touch with people I care about. But if I'm "friends" with a bunch of people I don't care about, all facebook becomes is a license to stalk, judge, and gossip with absolutely no consequences. Kind of scary. And while I know that much of my stalking is innocent and positive, a big part of me wonders whether it's any of my business that a random acquaintance from high school dumped her boyfriend or transferred to a different school. Facebook allows that kind of stuff to spread really fast, but it's sort of creepy how much people can know about you without ever actually talking to you. I mean, remember when people had to actually call you (or talk to you IN PERSON) to know your business? Facebook is taking over the world!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I've got to practice. But seriously, if anyone reading this finds a pair of Ohio earrings, I will give you $20.
Friday, June 24, 2011
To Austin
At noon today, I set out for a mystery adventure in Austin with my aunts. While I have a vague idea of what we might do, our actual plans are still unknown. However, it is highly likely that we will at some point encounter a psychic and eat various flavors of cupcakes. More to come...
Before I depart, I have scheduled to go to Brookhaven and actually practice the Lacour on bari sax. I have found that while playing the bari part on alto allows me to be relatively confident with the fingerings, there is nothing else that is remotely similar about playing the two horns. Last rehearsal, I practiced the 3rd movement on alto and was able to play it well past half speed, which was the goal... but as soon as I tried it on bari, everything sort of went to crap. As a rule, I typically don't like to practice a piece on any other horn than the one I am using in rehearsal/performance, but I'm not allowed to take the bari home. So today, I break out of my cycle of laziness to actually go learn my part on bari, like I am supposed to. However, as one of my studio mates pointed out once, the lower the saxophone, the more excruciating the practice session. So we'll see how that goes.
The last few days have been otherwise pretty uneventful... I skyped with Megan, skipped Richardson Community Band to have an existential debate about the existence of God with Laura, and watched a few stupid humor movies. My favorite by far was "You're Welcome, America," which is actually not a movie, but a comedy show written and performed by Will Ferrell on the subject of Bush's presidency. It's a little vulgar, but it was one of the funniest and most genius Will Ferrell performances I have ever seen. To the politically aware and comedically inclined, I highly recommend it.
I've got to finish packing and head off to practice. Then off to Austin for some family mischief...
Before I depart, I have scheduled to go to Brookhaven and actually practice the Lacour on bari sax. I have found that while playing the bari part on alto allows me to be relatively confident with the fingerings, there is nothing else that is remotely similar about playing the two horns. Last rehearsal, I practiced the 3rd movement on alto and was able to play it well past half speed, which was the goal... but as soon as I tried it on bari, everything sort of went to crap. As a rule, I typically don't like to practice a piece on any other horn than the one I am using in rehearsal/performance, but I'm not allowed to take the bari home. So today, I break out of my cycle of laziness to actually go learn my part on bari, like I am supposed to. However, as one of my studio mates pointed out once, the lower the saxophone, the more excruciating the practice session. So we'll see how that goes.
The last few days have been otherwise pretty uneventful... I skyped with Megan, skipped Richardson Community Band to have an existential debate about the existence of God with Laura, and watched a few stupid humor movies. My favorite by far was "You're Welcome, America," which is actually not a movie, but a comedy show written and performed by Will Ferrell on the subject of Bush's presidency. It's a little vulgar, but it was one of the funniest and most genius Will Ferrell performances I have ever seen. To the politically aware and comedically inclined, I highly recommend it.
I've got to finish packing and head off to practice. Then off to Austin for some family mischief...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Dad's Day
Today was fun- played some golf, sequence, and risk, followed by watching Resident Evil 3. I cantored at Mass today too, and I just got so into it... We sang a sort of swingy-laid back version of How Great Thou Art, and it sounded awesome! Man, it is so fun to jam with those guys.
Also, I actually got a lot of practice in this weekend. Friday was my first official lesson of the summer, and I felt, for the first time in a long while, a really strong desire to improve. I don't know what it is about Roy in particular, but every time I go in for a lesson with him, I leave wanting to practice right away. It's definitely something about his personality that challenges and dares me to impress him, and I've realized that I, as a student, respond really well to that teaching style. I sort of worried, throughout the year, that maybe I was having motivation problems because I just wasn't passionate enough about saxophone. I spent the whole year dragging my feet to the practice room, struggling constantly to stay motivated... And now, it's just so affirming to be inspired again!
Looking back, I can't even believe the path I've gone through as a musician. It has taken me years to realize how to listen to myself and how to think about music. I find that my whole frame of mind with regard to performing has changed dramatically. With all of that growth and now, a new teacher that really fits my needs as a student... I am set up for success.
God has really blessed me. All this thinking just makes me so grateful for the meaningful experiences I've had with music, and I don't mind attributing them to God. I've got a number of emotional and intellectual inhibitors to my faith, but music is the one way He can get through to me every time.
Also, I actually got a lot of practice in this weekend. Friday was my first official lesson of the summer, and I felt, for the first time in a long while, a really strong desire to improve. I don't know what it is about Roy in particular, but every time I go in for a lesson with him, I leave wanting to practice right away. It's definitely something about his personality that challenges and dares me to impress him, and I've realized that I, as a student, respond really well to that teaching style. I sort of worried, throughout the year, that maybe I was having motivation problems because I just wasn't passionate enough about saxophone. I spent the whole year dragging my feet to the practice room, struggling constantly to stay motivated... And now, it's just so affirming to be inspired again!
Looking back, I can't even believe the path I've gone through as a musician. It has taken me years to realize how to listen to myself and how to think about music. I find that my whole frame of mind with regard to performing has changed dramatically. With all of that growth and now, a new teacher that really fits my needs as a student... I am set up for success.
God has really blessed me. All this thinking just makes me so grateful for the meaningful experiences I've had with music, and I don't mind attributing them to God. I've got a number of emotional and intellectual inhibitors to my faith, but music is the one way He can get through to me every time.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Productivity
Right now it's 5:20pm, and I haven't done any practicing today, nor have I begun working on the medical payments my mom wants me to take care of. I have spent the majority of my day napping, eating, reading, and wasting time--all things that I thoroughly enjoy.
But amidst this enjoyment is a muffled sense of guilt... I hear that voice inside my head (my voice, of course) reminding me that I should be practicing, or earning money, or selling stuff. I had such high ambitions for this summer! And here it's already mid-June and I haven't accomplished anything on the saxophone... except for some sparse work on a few etudes and a review of scale patterns.
Once I start lessons this summer, I anticipate my lazy days coming to an end. Roy always has a way of bringing me back down to earth, whether I like it or not.
At any rate, I tell myself that my lowered ability to function is due partially to the problems I've been having with my back. Things were going fine most of the school year because I was biking and being active, but when I came home, I did a bunch of nothing and then a bunch of traveling, which hurt it a lot. Right now, I'm taking a bunch of Aleve and doing physical therapy, but I still can't sit down for more than half an hour without a lot of pain. Tomorrow, I start having actual physical therapy sessions with Alan, and I'm hoping that he'll get me feeling a lot better. I don't remember what it feels like to not have back pain, and my fear is that it will never really go away. In some ways, I've learned to deal with it, but every once in a while, I get really frustrated and scared, because I know I'm going to have to battle this my whole life.
On a more positive note, Kevin got his license and drove to summer school by himself today!! Kids grow up so fast... :) Also, I got an email today saying the Baylor Wind Ensemble was selected to play at 2012 TMEA! I am so happy for them/us... Man, what a stellar group. I'm listening to our Scenes from the Louvre recording and it's so good! I miss college band!
But amidst this enjoyment is a muffled sense of guilt... I hear that voice inside my head (my voice, of course) reminding me that I should be practicing, or earning money, or selling stuff. I had such high ambitions for this summer! And here it's already mid-June and I haven't accomplished anything on the saxophone... except for some sparse work on a few etudes and a review of scale patterns.
Once I start lessons this summer, I anticipate my lazy days coming to an end. Roy always has a way of bringing me back down to earth, whether I like it or not.
At any rate, I tell myself that my lowered ability to function is due partially to the problems I've been having with my back. Things were going fine most of the school year because I was biking and being active, but when I came home, I did a bunch of nothing and then a bunch of traveling, which hurt it a lot. Right now, I'm taking a bunch of Aleve and doing physical therapy, but I still can't sit down for more than half an hour without a lot of pain. Tomorrow, I start having actual physical therapy sessions with Alan, and I'm hoping that he'll get me feeling a lot better. I don't remember what it feels like to not have back pain, and my fear is that it will never really go away. In some ways, I've learned to deal with it, but every once in a while, I get really frustrated and scared, because I know I'm going to have to battle this my whole life.
On a more positive note, Kevin got his license and drove to summer school by himself today!! Kids grow up so fast... :) Also, I got an email today saying the Baylor Wind Ensemble was selected to play at 2012 TMEA! I am so happy for them/us... Man, what a stellar group. I'm listening to our Scenes from the Louvre recording and it's so good! I miss college band!
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