Quote of the Day

So I've been thinking a lot recently about this one quote I found a couple of months ago, and I just came across the place where I wrote it down:

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, responded, "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

I really love this one. It's unsettling because it rings so true to so many of us and speaks of a much darker reality than people are willing to see. There's a danger much deeper than death here; it's the idea of a wasted life. And worse, a life wasted unknowingly. People often don't realize the bigger patterns in their life until it's too late. In the case this quote refers to, "work" becomes man's end, and the joy of experience is lost to planning, working, worrying, preparing. But this quote is not about seizing the day. The words that really stick out to me are "health" and "enjoy." The health being referenced here is not how we think of it in the west... I mean, even though work can make us physically sick, there's a broader implication of spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health. Are we paying attention to all aspects our ourselves and our well-being?

Another thing I love about this quote is that it doesn't assert that our responsibilities are unimportant; it simply laments that they have taken over many peoples' entire beings. Is it possible to achieve your professional goals and still be happy? Yes. But people often think that working and having money will directly lead to happiness. Truthfully, we must pay attention to our bodies and our relationships with others and the way we balance our lives. Otherwise, we will just be going through the motions instead of fully actualizing ourselves as humans.

There's so much more to this quote... But I thought I'd at least write down a few comments that came to mind. I should really do this quote thing more often... maybe I'll break out some Emerson or Thoreau; I've been in a sort of transcendent mood lately anyway.

The College Post

So now that I'm actually in college (haaa), I thought it would be nice to jot down a few notes in the book about my first few weeks.

In a nutshell, life is great. I mean, I get to make great music with great people in a great place. And study with McAllister! Ah, it's really everything I dreamed. The most exciting part is my studio... everyone around me can rip to shreds, and that really inspires me to practice a lot.

My back still hurts... but I think yoga might help. I don't know. I think it's getting better? It's hard to tell. Pain is pain, you know how it is.

Life goes on, and so far everything else is good. Overall, I'm happy. And I'm working toward goals. Let it be known that after my first month of living here in the great state of AZ, I consider coming to ASU to be one of  the best decisions I ever made. Huzzah

There has to be another solution...

The current state of my back is completely unsustainable. I could deal with having to use a back support when I sit and maintaining a strict exercise regimen and altering the way I bend and lift and twist. You know, I'm even able to accept the fact that I'll never run again, or probably play tennis, or golf, or really any sport.

But what I can't deal with is not being able to sit in a fucking chair and play a game of sequence without back pain. I have to adjust the types of clothes that I wear because certain belts and waistbands put stress on my back. I couldn't sleep in my brother's bed because his memory foam mattress was causing me too much pain. You get the picture.

I'm in a stupid amount of pain. I am 19 years old, and I want to go on road trips and dance and camp and jump around and sit and play board games and practice piano and punch people and go on roller coasters and be tickled and none of that is possible! I know I'm being dramatic, but I feel like my youth has been taken away from me and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I want my life back- this is horrible and unfair.

Self-Knowledge

Fyodor Tyutchev, a Russian poet, once said: “For society, as well as for an individual, self-knowledge is the first condition of any progress.”
I find that advice interesting coming from the society that preceded one of the most oppressive and deceitful regimes in all of history... But Russia, at the moment, is not part of my point. Today, this particular quotation strikes me because of its commentary on the individual… and, more selfishly, how it relates to me.
After 5 hours of watching the genius products of Joss Whedon and related actors, I started to think about my place in this world. I guess there’s something about seeing beautifully executed art and success achieved by sheer brilliance that makes you wonder whether you have anything to offer at all. But for me, it was less of a question of whether I had anything to offer and more wondering what exactly I’m going to end up doing with myself. When I look at the list of things that I get excited about and the things I involve myself in, it’s a pretty long and varied list. I’m a music performance major with an interest in history, a ruthless critic with an artist’s soul. A logical mind out to solve the mystery of the human condition. It all makes very little sense.
But I guess if it were clear, it wouldn’t be quite as beautiful. After all, what defines us as humans isn’t necessarily our profession.
So maybe… finding the right career isn’t even the point. Perhaps the “progress” that Tyutchev mentioned was referring to something more like spiritual growth, or personal enlightenment. (he was a romantic poet, after all.) And in turn, that growth will inform our life choices because everything will be rooted in a deeper, more existential sense of self.
In other words, not all of us are creators or performers or healers or activists. I think I’d consider myself a little more of a thinker. And that’s probably why I freak out when it comes to actually having to *do* something. For a living. But in a way, it also sort of narrows it down a bit.
Well this was a fun post. It will be interesting to read later. Time for lunch with Megan!

Break

The last two weeks have been a massive break from everything, partially planned and partially unplanned. Going to Minnesota for 5 days was my scheduled break-- spent some time on the lake, played backgammon, ate smores, and visited the Redwood County Fair. Small town life, as well as midwestern life, is certainly different from my current situation in a Texas metroplex. But overall, I had a great time and enjoyed my week with Sam and her family.

Unfortunately, I paid for all of that recreation and traveling with a week of back pain. When I got home, I felt miserable... I could barely sit down without pain, and getting through my daily exercises seemed near impossible. Even though it would mean putting my summer music goals on the back-burner, I knew my first priority was to get the inflammation calmed down. So, I spent a week lying down, watching movies, icing my back, and stretching in hopes that everything would calm down and I could resume physical therapy. Luckily, after a week of "rehab mode," I'm feeling better... But it's not a total victory yet. My healing happened at the expense of living a normal lifestyle. I haven't played saxophone in almost 2 weeks now, besides a short 30 minute session last Thursday. And I've accepted that a break, at least right now, may be the best thing for me. But, what happens when I get one of these inflammation spells at ASU? What if my back gets in the way of pursuing a degree in saxophone performance?

Only time will tell... I just wish there was some way I could control this. My PT said that even if I get my core strengthened enough to feel 90%, I'm still going to have these random flare-ups for no reason. I've accepted that I'm going to have to live a "modified" lifestyle, but I wish taking care of my back was as easy as losing weight, or being in shape. It sucks that there's only so much I can do.

On a more hopeful note, I know that this experience is teaching me a lot of life lessons that I need to learn. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder that some things in life are out of our control, and we just have to learn how to cope. I've been blessed in a lot of ways, so maybe this is one of my few crosses to bear.

Just your average 4th of July

This afternoon, while most families were outside eating barbecue on this nice patriotic holiday, my dad and I were at Medical City testing my resting metabolic rate. He had found this cool new doctor toy that uses your intake of oxygen to provide how many calories your body naturally burns in a resting state. According to the device, I can eat about 16 calories per pound and maintain my current weight. (yay!....)

While we were up there, he figured we might as well remove that pesky mole on my pelvis that he had noticed a few months ago. No big deal, just your normal everyday spontaneous operation... Who wants to deal with the hassle of filing insurance claims?

In other news, I finally got that gross chlorine green out of my hair. It took some serious shampooing and highlights to do the job, but at least people will stop asking if I dyed a strip of my hair green. I feel like eventually, I should just let my natural hair color grow out or dye it brown for good or something. Blonde is too high maintenance, and it's just one more thing that my mom is paying for in order to maintain control over me. I've realized that accepting money from her is a trap. No matter how nice she is when she offers it, she generally finds a way to turn it around and use it against me. And technically, that's totally valid, but it's also really obnoxious. That's why I need a job....

On Thursday, I head to Minnesota to hang out with Sam for a few days, and that will be really fun. She lives in this small town with waterfalls, and nature!! What a nice change from the big city. I haven't decided if I'm going to take my saxophone yet, though. I've been lazy about practicing recently.

But maybe that's because I've been so distracted running my household and having whimsical surgeries. Ours is truly a strange family....

Keep Austin Weird

This weekend was insane, in more ways than one. Austin has tons of things to do, and it has such an earthy local feel. I love it. We did end up going to that psychic fair, and I had my chakras opened. (That was an experience!) I also went to a gift shop and got souvenirs from my own state... that felt a little strange. I found earrings in the shape of Texas, and I would have bought them had they not been red, white, and blue. But it made me wonder if it was possible to find earrings in the shape of other states, like Louisiana or Idaho... somehow I doubt it. I think Texas is the only state that is weirdly proud of their awesome shape. Kind of a bummer, because I was looking for a necklace to express my Wyoming pride. ....

Anyway, I took a break from writing this blog post to go on a major facebook friend purge. I deleted well over half of my friends, and I have under 200 right now, made up of people that I would actually consider myself close to. It felt really good to look at my friends list and just delete everyone who I am legitimately not friends with... there were a few whose names I didn't even recognize... I mean, I don't think I could ever completely delete my facebook. As much as I hate it sometimes, it is an incredibly powerful tool that allows me to keep in touch with people I care about. But if I'm "friends" with a bunch of people I don't care about, all facebook becomes is a license to stalk, judge, and gossip with absolutely no consequences. Kind of scary. And while I know that much of my stalking is innocent and positive, a big part of me wonders whether it's any of my business that a random acquaintance from high school dumped her boyfriend or transferred to a different school. Facebook allows that kind of stuff to spread really fast, but it's sort of creepy how much people can know about you without ever actually talking to you. I mean, remember when people had to actually call you (or talk to you IN PERSON) to know your business? Facebook is taking over the world!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I've got to practice. But seriously, if anyone reading this finds a pair of Ohio earrings, I will give you $20.